Of all the minefields that exist in the ex-Mormon universe, the topic of sexism seems to be among the most densely-littered with bodies. After trying to engage on social media, and then being lambasted for our efforts, some men decide they are better off disengaging than exposing themselves to criticism. Others, like myself, are accustomed to being on the receiving end of feminist rage. We recognize the rage, and we likely feel it ourselves. Yet if we fail to show empathy, we will justifiably be called out for our participation in the patriarchal system that gave rise to that rage.
The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is an ultraconservative bastion of outdated gender norms. The subjugation of women is a feature of the church, systematized and conspicuously designed not just into its governance, but into the doctrine itself. This is not just a par-for-the-course, biblical-Christianity flavor of sexism either. It is a deeply and intentionally rooted sexism. And although sexism is common in all patriarchal religions, in Mormonism it is amplified. Probably because it is the natural outgrowth of the earliest nineteenth-century practices and proclamations of Joseph Smith (and it’s draconian reinforcement by Brigham Young).
Building upon his notoriety as a modern prophet, Joe Smith leveraged his position to maximize his extramarital sexual pursuits. Brigham Young took the idea and ran with it, crowning himself a polygamist, theocratic king over a fiefdom of like-minded men. Modern belief in eternal marriage is really just an evolution of Joseph and Brigham’s ideology of plural marriage, the doctrine that backed up the widespread practice of polygamy in the early church. Polygamy has not been practiced officially in the mainstream church since 1890, but it still casts a long shadow over Mormons today. Every adult Mormon male has, at one time in his life, been the brunt of a joke about having multiple wives. Women who marry a surviving husband after the loss of his deceased wife must reckon with the prospect of an afterlife where they must “share” their husband. And though the church excommunicates fundamentalists who carry on the legacy of polygamy, the mainstream church has never disavowed the doctrine of plural marriage. It remains in the scriptural text.
Most ex-Mormons tend to interpret the roots of polygamy as a spiritual justification for gaining access to women’s bodies.
The doctrine of the priesthood, too, is bound with sexism. Despite early inclusion of women in the Nauvoo era, the priesthood is only conferred on men in the modern church. The rigid hierarchical structure of the church is based on it, and women are kept out of leadership positions because of it. The passing of the sacrament, the giving of blessings, and the special spiritual gifts that the priesthood provides are all uniquely male experiences. The Ordain Women movement founded by Kate Kelly in 2013 has sought to bring contemporary attention to the problem, and the church excommunicated her for it. (Curiously, though, the church finally began allowing women to pray in the semiannual General Conference that same year.)
As I see it, eternal marriage and priesthood are the doctrinal justifications for perpetuating a patriarchal and sexist system that benefits the male leadership. Keeping women “in line” has historically been a top priority of the brethren in charge, as evidenced by high-profile excommunications and the tamping down of divine-feminine aspirations such as the doctrine of a Heavenly Mother.
Our internalization of Mormon sexism starts when we are children. Young girls are sexualized by being told to cover their bodies, typically with the explanation that it is tempting to boys. Girls that have sex with boys before marriage are compared to chewed gum. These damaging lessons in morality are a part of official church curriculum, and girls hear them from both their male and female leaders. Sexualization of girls also comes from the top of the Mormon hierarchy, as enshrined by Dallin H. Oaks, who admonished adolescent girls for being partially responsible for boys being tempted to view pornography:
And young women, please understand that if you dress immodestly, you are magnifying this problem by becoming pornography to some of the men who see you.
Dallin H. Oaks, April 2005 General Conference
As a response to the mantra of modesty, ex-Mormon women often show off their “porn shoulders” on social media to mock the church’s prudish culture and to empower themselves after a lifetime of being told to “cover up.” The topic of sexualization of girls and its relationship to sexism in the church is something that Mormon and ex-Mormon women are better equipped to talk about than me. What I do know for sure is that the internalization of this sexualization has a life-long impact.
As a heterosexual, upper-middle-class, white male, I enjoyed the highest privileges in the church. In the post-Mormon world and in the world at large, that privilege continues. I recognize this privilege, and I know that my voice is automatically more authoritative just for being a man. My perspective is not particularly unique, either.
So, why do I call the topic of sexism a “minefield”? Because, for many of the men that actually want to engage, that’s exactly how we see it. I know this because we speak privately about it in our own circles. Comments that we make on social media on the topic of feminism or misogyny are often mocked and criticized. If we are deliberate in trying to control our egos, we are willing to admit we may be ignorant. Or if ignorance isn’t the issue, it might be a lack of empathy or even laziness. Whatever it is, accusations of mansplaining abound. Often, if not openly then silently, we reject those complaints as frivolous, petty, and dismissive. We claim that we are being misunderstood. Sometimes it’s true, but we also may not realize that our opinions are just not wanted. We interpret feminist expression as an invitation to offer our perspective, and it is not always welcome.
I’ve been accused of mansplaining and have seen the #NotAllMen hashtag used against me on multiple occasions. A woman I love once told me that my opinions come across as statements of fact. (“That’s just the way that I express myself” is my go-to defense, but in a begrudgingly introspective way, I know her criticism is valid.) My male friends almost always state their opinions in this almost-overly-confident, brash manner. I imagine that it can be triggering to women who have grown up listening to men pontificate from the pulpit. Do they see Dallin Oaks when they look at us? I have to remind myself that my opinions need to be expressed in such a way that they don’t come across as dismissive of the experience and expertise of others. All men in the ex-Mormon world could use a healthy dose of empathy. To all my ex-Mormon brothers out there: the women are watching us, and they are not impressed.
The broad brush with which we are painted kinda sucks. It is human nature to resist being stereotyped, and ex-Mormon men are no exception. But we need to recognize that it is only a mild injustice. I do think that the stereotyping is counterproductive to the goal of dismantling sexism, and I have said as much to the women who indulge in it. But I know that men aren’t being disempowered by what women are saying about us. We are annoyed by the hypocrisies and the generalizations, but these are emotional reactions that we can turn around and leverage to our benefit. Most of us are not the type to develop a severe misogynist view of the world, and I suspect that these experiences are trending us in a positive direction.
We are moving slowly. We are barely keeping up with the basic concepts of sexism, let alone the complexities of intersectionality, transgender issues, race, and the other hallmarks of wokeness. For those of us who want to be accepted by the post-Mormon women in our lives, consider this thought from the author of a guest post on the Exponent II blog:
What I am learning is that even after men leave Mormonism, [ex-Mormon men] still think like Mormons, especially in how they view women, based on the way I am treated when I try to raise my unique perspective in the sea of Utah/Idaho white male exMormon groupthink.
If I want to be treated fairly and magnanimously, I find I am in the best company among people who never attended a high-demand patriarchal religion.
Anonymous, “Sexism in the ExMormon Community,” published 1/26/2021 on Exponent II blog
Ouch, right? We don’t stand a chance and there’s nothing we can do about it, because the damage has already been done. We are the chewed gum of the Mormon church’s system of patriarchy. What a sobering thought!
I have to believe that there’s still hope for us. Though we are likely to continue disappointing the women in our lives, they will still love us. And so we carry on.
For you ex-Mormon men who think you have this all figured out already, think again.
