The Mormon Curse of Toxic Productivity

When a barely-adult man or woman is called as a missionary for The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints, one of the first lessons learned is that time is a sacred commodity. Every moment spent wearing the black name tag is dedicated to serving the Lord. As stated in the Missionary Handbook:

Time is one of the most precious resources Heavenly Father has given you. The period when you are able to serve the Lord with all your time and all your efforts is extremely short. Use it fully and wisely. Such an opportunity is a privilege.

Missionary Handbook, chapter on “Missionary Conduct”

Every day as a missionary is programmed in excruciating detail. You wake by 6:30 A.M., exercise for 30 minutes, get ready for the day, have breakfast at 7:30 A.M., study your scriptures individually for an hour, study with your companion for another hour, proselytize from 10 A.M. to 9 P.M., and are back in bed by 10:30 P.M. Readers of my blog are already aware that I was a rigid rule-keeper on my mission. I often felt guilty if I didn’t use every moment of my time in a productive manner.

I remember vividly the planning sessions with my companions each evening, that often-dreaded half hour in which we decided what we were going to do the next day. We planned our activities by writing down appointments on a pastel-yellow-colored page of card stock with a printed schedule template on it. These were called the tarjeta amarilla in my mission, or the “yellow card.” As a visual aid, here is a scanned copy of one of my yellow cards from an area where I served as a district leader:

From the picture, you can see the creases between the columns for Monday/Tuesday and Thursday/Friday. The creases came from carefully folding the yellow cards along the lines to keep them securely stored in our shirt pockets so we could reference them throughout the day. Every 30 minute interval had to be filled in, with no gaps allowed. In the example above, you can see the names of families and individuals that we planned to meet that day, with meals and meetings comprising some of the times. Monday was our “preparation day,” which is the weekly day off reserved for completing mundane chores like cleaning and laundry. But you will notice that even Monday was carefully planned with activities.

With so many peoples’ names listed on the tarjeta amarilla, with every 30-minute interval filled in, it is no surprise that we could not have possibly visited all of these people in a given day. But it was common that appointments would fizzle out for one reason or another. To stay busy at all times, it was therefore standard practice to add “filler appointments” during our planning sessions that would act as a backup if something else didn’t pan out. I remember feeling that God was disappointed with us when we didn’t plan well. Poor planning was evidenced by the ending of a day without significant spiritual accomplishments. On those days, I felt disappointed in myself and prayed for forgiveness before going to sleep. For my companions that were less motivated than me, I can imagine that my guilt-based work ethic was incredibly frustrating.

In my second area, about four months into my mission, I was paired as the junior companion to a native-born missionary that I considered to be particularly lazy. Every day, after eating lunch with the family that provided our meals, he would require that we take a one-or-two hour nap before heading out for the rest of the day. These daily “siestas” were not at all acceptable to me, as they were clearly in violation of the mission rules. But because he was my senior companion, I went along with it. He insisted that it be a part of our daily routine. I tried several times to motivate him to halt this sinful practice of taking naps. The guilt of taking naps was so great that I finally couldn’t take it anymore, and I called the mission president to tattle on him. The president thanked me for my candor and corrected the situation. My companion hated me every day thereafter. I was promptly promoted to senior companion, which in my mind convinced me that the Lord had justified my actions.

Though I have been an ex-Mormon for more than 15 years, I have always carried the burden of toxic productivity that I learned in the Church. As a youth, I often recited the following passage in my priesthood quorum classes:

Therefore, O ye that embark in the service of God, see that ye serve him with all your heart, might, mind and strength, that ye may stand blameless before God at the last day.

Doctrine and Covenants 4:2

I truly believed that I would be held responsible by God for not using my time on earth wisely, and this because I was indoctrinated, through the word of God and by endless repetition, that I would not be found worthy in the afterlife if I had not served God with all my “heart, might, mind, and strength.”

The topic of “toxic productivity” has trended online recently in the era of the COVID-19 pandemic. Because our regular routines have been on pause, many of us, especially those who have been working from home, have felt like there was nothing better to do than to work. For me, this pandemic-induced workaholism combined with my Mormon work ethic has been a personal challenge. As Mormons, many of us are prone to the feeling of never being able to fully relax, of feeling guilty if every moment of our time is not being spent on high-yielding pursuits, of feeling like we are being judged by some unseen influence that looks down upon us for our idleness.

I have experienced toxic productivity as a man, but I know very well that this same feeling runs rampant in the culture of the Relief Society. The feeling of “not doing enough” is perhaps even worse among women, as they are often considered the workhorses of the Mormon machine. Everything from caring for Primary-aged children, to meal preparation, to welfare visits, to family history work, to youth activity planning, to temple trip planning, to keeping a journal, to keeping families afloat while the husband attends to church duties.. it all seems to fall disproportionately upon the women of the church. And no amount of effort is ever enough.

Keeping up with this blog is a chore, too. It’s been more than a month since I have written anything. Not to get all meta about it, but when I write to you on this blog, sometimes it is a way to keep myself busy and feeling productive. The irony of criticizing Mormon culture for toxic productivity while keeping myself productive through writing on this blog is not lost on me. As a cultural Mormon to my core, no one would blame me for not being able to shake the feeling of never doing (or being) enough.