On a recent episode of John Dehlin’s Mormon Stories Podcast, guest John Larsen (the host of the now discontinued Mormon Expression podcast) gave his thoughts on what it means to be an “ex-ex-Mormon.” The idea is that early in one’s faith transition, within the first 2 or 3 years of leaving the church, ex-Mormons are typically obsessed with everything Mormon. Then, once this period of compulsive anger subsides, the ex-Mormon makes peace with the church and “moves on,” becoming less emotionally engaged. Any ongoing interest in the church then turns into a purely intellectual or anthropological exercise, without the impassioned criticism.
Everyone’s journey is different. The period of anger can sometimes last much longer, especially if a person has experienced trauma at the hands of church leadership. The pain can even last a lifetime. But my guess, based on standard models of the stages of emotional healing, is that most of us eventually come to a personal reckoning and begin to accept the pain that we have suffered. We heal, we move on, and we try to be better people.
The brethren ignore this standard pattern of human behavior and take advantage of our early-stage anger. By casting all ex-Mormons as the types we find among “early-stage” ex-Mormons, the General Authorities try to scare Mormons into not investigating the church’s truth claims. The most famous instance of such fear tactics comes from Glenn L. Pace, who described ex-Mormons as being led by Satan:
It seems that history continues to teach us: You can leave the Church, but you can’t leave it alone. The basic reason for this is simple. Once someone has received a witness of the Spirit and accepted it, he leaves neutral ground. One loses his testimony only by listening to the promptings of the evil one, and Satan’s goal is not complete when a person leaves the Church, but when he comes out in open rebellion against it.
Glenn L. Pace, from his talk “Follow the Prophet,” April 1989 General Conference, emphasis added
The implication is that ex-Mormons are like Korihor. We know the church is true in our hearts, but we are in guilty denial and are being led by the evil one. We then overcompensate for our guilt by raging against the Lord’s anointed.
The trope of “leaving the church without leaving it alone” is a common internet meme among ex-Mormons. We almost wear the phrase as a badge of honor. It is a standing joke to us for many reasons, not the least of which is that the church deserves the criticism given the harm that it has caused to so many people. The raging apostate is a lazy stereotype that is often lobbed around by faithful Mormons on the internet. It is lazy because they don’t look beyond the most visible ex-Mormons–the ones that are hurting, very new in their healing process.
Being an ex-Mormon is an identity of sorts. People who leave the church often end up telling a lot of people about it, thinking that the information is necessary to understanding who we are. The chains of blind obedience come off, and we experiment with life. From drinking coffee for the very first time to naively engaging in non-monogamous relationships, the euphoria of early-stage ex-Mormonism is real. We have been infantilized by patronizing, controlling church leaders our entire lives, so we enter our new world as children among adults. We have no clue what we are doing, and we therefore make mistakes.
So how do we grow up? Is becoming an “ex-ex-Mormon,” as John Larsen puts it, the key to our long-term success in life? Perhaps, but isn’t a linear progression. Interest in the church ebbs and flows. Before starting this blog, I had not engaged much recently in the ex-Mormon community with the exception of a somewhat lax participation in Facebook groups. In the first 2 years of my transition, from about 2006 to 2008, I was fully engaged in the disaffected Mormon blogosphere and discussion groups. My new effort with this blog is a newly-formed interest, brought on perhaps by boredom during the COVID-19 pandemic.
I am far beyond the early-stage anger phase. On a recent vacation with my wife to visit the country I served in on my mission, I joyfully reunited with former missionary companions and converts. I even prayed with them, despite my atheism. I do feel like I have fully moved on. The important thing for me is to avoid looking down upon those who are still hurting and to urge all of us to do the same.
